there are absolute universal laws in our physical world. laws concerning properties of gravity, mass, energy, thermodynamics, time, and space. 

imagine space, the solar system, the galaxy, the universe – there is mass, there is certainly space, and there is time (proven with space travel, nasa). those absolute laws makes this universe what it is. how incredible and amazing is that?

Genesis 1:1 – In the Beginning(TIME), God created the Heavens(SPACE) and the Earth(MASS).

you come into the world with nothing and you leave with nothing.

i realize that everyone who lives will someday die and die alone. 

knowing that, isn’t entering a relationship with the person you love considered setting yourself up for failure? your companion, best friend, lover, etc., will live their lives with you playing a major role and vice versa. what happens when you are old and your lover dies? what about when you’re young? can be emotionally crippling. is there an unfailing love?

move on? you spend your whole life searching for this person. you spend a good amount investing your time and energy. how difficult it must be to even try to move on? there are so many reasons why love can backfire.

looking at a photo of me and my friends – what a blessing it is to have them and a momento of many shared moments.

i think i have had a “Ah Ha” moment with the help of these memories. friendship is the key to happiness. in the past few months of my stay in texas i have felt depressed. this led me to just think about myself. i realize i was missing my friends back home.

but looking at these photos of me and my friends really lifts my spirit. brings good memories and shared memories. i wonder if they still think back to these times? because friendship is the key to my happiness i want to try my best to cherish friendships, make new ones, and make each meaningful. don’t think about anything else (i.e. lust, contempt, pride, envy) but strive for joyous relationships.

very good.

the concept of time is a double edged sword. 

on one hand, it is very useful. scheduling, recognizing patterns, setting goals and deadlines, etc. time also helps one appreciate their life more..

on the other hand, i think the concept of time is detrimental. there’s a saying – age is but a number. it is just a number, based on the concept of time. this number dictates and allows us to “predict” our time of death – embedding within us a fear of death. if we didnt know about time, we could possibly be happier. we can live our lives where time is not an issue. you just live. 

should we really be thankful to be alive?

what if you’re kidnapped and your family is massacred in front of your eyes. you are permanently limbless, tongue has been cut off, and you are stripped naked. you cannot move on your own let alone sit up. you’re used – a play thing for someone else. you’re not even fed well. then after a week or two of being used and sexually abused, you’re thrown out and discarded on the side of the road when it’s raining. you are nameless, alive, breathing, seeing, and can only let out agonizing groans.

how much agony, hatred, helplessness you will feel. just because you want to die doesn’t mean you will die. you’re alive, trapped in that state. i would fucking hate everything and everyone. 

then, should i be thankful to be alive?

there is a war raging inside of me. my spirit is against my soul. it’s a battle that is ongoing whether i am unaware or conscious.

my spirit is wise and it is pure strategy. it enters war with plans and hopes – ideas are shot back and forth within the line. my spirit is guided, guided from a higher being. battles are won even when it seems hopeless… God? my spirit fights with authority, well rounded in all aspects of combat. timing is seemingly perfect in all aspects. key tactics become so apparent and even when things are rough everything works out AND more. good things always happen… when this higher power is accepted as the reason for the very same good things. otherwise, hopelessness becomes reality.

my soul is raw power and mass. it fights and doesn’t give up – unafraid to die. my soul attacks like a pride of lions taking down a horned beast. my soul is pure athleticism, like a superior race of physically adept individuals. fast, quick thinking, attentive, along with leopard-like reflexes. my soul is a fearless warrior who draws strength from emotion and desire. when given the upperhand, my soul will take full advantage and eat it up like a lion feasting on a gazelle. my soul’s weakness is shared with it’s very own strengths. my soul is a raging in it’s black stormy sea. temptation.  

it’s an ongoing battle and, in theory, will always be until the day i die.
however, even though i may have many years ahead of me, there will be a day when there will be a clear and obvious victor. on that same day, whether it be my spirit or my soul, one will surely die to the other.

jap porn cracks me up. no offense towards japanese people, but lmao. the cultural barrier is obvious – i don’t understand why the actress sounds like shes whimpering and crying. i don’t see how those sounds translate into pleasure and ecstasy.. 

omg.. what if they are actually getting filmed getting raped?? nah, not likely. fucking japs lol gotta love em

i watch a lot of shows that explain insurance fraud – destroying a person or property to get the money. i never really thought much about it until recently though.

last thursday i was in a car accident – passenger side. my buddy’s car got rear ended and man it was fuckkked up lol. starting that day, we met an attorney and started going to the chiropractor/physical training center/clinic. the first couple of days my neck was sore and tight as well as my lower back. but soon the pain was gone. however… me and my buddy still go to the doc to get our electro-massage therapy majiggy. there is also this cool machine on which you lie down and something rolls along the contour of your spine. omg it is the best thing ever.

anyways, we just go because the more the doc bills us, the more claim money we can get from insurance. and that money is split between me, doc, and attorney. how fucked up is that? but hey… free money i suppose lol

there were many many times where i thought to myself, “where am i going with my life?” 

i have had plenty of time to think, retrospect, meditate, etc. on what to do with my time. here are some of the things i’ve contemplated – road trips, eurotrips, becoming a pilot, being in a band, human resource in corporate america, nurse, business owner. these are just SOME of the things i’ve thought about..

for me, i see my peers and compare myself to them. what and how are they doing? what career have they gone into? are they happy? sometimes i feel bad about myself when i do this – bummer. it seems that a majority of people strive toward one goal – go to school and learn something, to be prominent in their career and make lots of money. right off the bat, i fell off the bandwagon early. B.A. in anthropology – i knew very well that there is little to no job market for that degree. i want to learn and do things that are interesting to me and makes me happy.

time to get a grip, right? i am only getting older. after my stay in texas, i am going to find a home for myself and do what i want. find work where ill actually enjoy myself which will make work not seem like work. to me, my ideal is to work with guitars – build em, play em, sell em, teach em, whatever else there may be.

hope i dont end up settling.