Day Two: Nine things about yourself

1. i like to play the gweetar

2. i pretty much consider myself a loner.. but someone said introvert. 

3. although the serving size of the meals i eat got smaller, i still love food. 

4. i'm a carefree person. 

5. that carefree-ness is turning in to extreme laziness.

6. i like to play sports but i don't like exercising..

7. i don't watch tv (how sad)

8. i'm easily impressed

9. i'm korean

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Thank you for being there and quitting cold turkey. I know you care for me

2. Wtf is up with your youtube channel.. makes no sense.. sayin that out of love.

3. ... go up to the counter and get me a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries.. for free

4. go out and find something to do. like a job. yea times are hard, but suck it up and keep trying.

5. jersey sucks. 

6. If i could, i would sweep you off your feet and you would be mine forever. 

7. I admire your athleticism and kindness. 

8. I wouldn't know God like I do now if it wasn't for your discipline and teachings. 

9. I'm sorry, please forgive me.

10. I'm going to steal your guitar. and your guitar skills.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Wow i am so busy now wth? O_O

i have all these things to read becuz of my stupid classes.. im actually starting to worry a little about what im going to do with my life as my college career is almost up. (2 years is not that much)

now i am house church leader. this is a blessing but also something that requires me to put effort. no doubt that i will but this along with school work is gonna make me a busy person. 

every weekend i have to go to praise team practice. and play volleyball. and this and that and this and that.

.. 

i sleep 10 hours but i am still tired.

very very mild? some nights i find myself gasping for air as if my body forgets to breathe from time to time...the feeling of gasping for air happens throughout the night within every 5-10 minutes? BUT it i don't experience this every night in fact not that often. that and along with some other symptoms.

boo

i foresee a downfall this semester in my academic work. why do i say this? because.. i have not bought text books yet. i did buy for one class .. but thats music class and i bought the book when my first assignment was due. soo.. this foreshadows a dim future.. 

ill buy the books eventually

i have this class called "family, marriage, and kinship in china". its an upperdivision course that requires a fair (meaning alot) of reading before every class. my teacher is this white anthropologists. he speaks and writes chinese better than most people there. ... i get lost very easily in that class.

we have this thing called discussion board on blackboard. it is counted toward our "participation" grade.  its questions like "what does your name mean" or "what kind of family do you live in" i really dont wanna do that crap. 

the end.

Before going to retreat I had to usual and annual retreat praise team practices. This means the two-three weeks before the actual retreat we would start practicing. I love playing the guitar and that was a big big chunk of the reason why i even decided to go to retreat. I didn't think that this retreat was going to make that big of a difference..

During these practices, praise team ( Chris, Mary, Steven, Mike, and I ) decided to have a goal for the praise ministry which was Prayer. Prayer was a main focal point and during one of the practices Chris asked everyone to pray to God asking for an image or sign of anything. I was thinking to myself, "Wow this is so general and how can you even tell if God is giving you the image or if its your brain just going through random images, like a slideshow" Like seriously? Ok, i prayed and asked God for an image or sign that I should look out for. I think hundreds of images were going through my head and i felt so hopeless for this little mission. I was like ok whatever i have to share something so i just picked one of hundreds of images that i imagined. I shared that i saw apples, a whole bunch of them at one place. What kind of random image is that?!?? No way i'm going to look out for this one because i was too skeptical. 

That was a couple of weeks before retreat. Retreat came and I had no idea what to expect. Actually, that morning i was complaining about the weather, and how Chris wasn't going to come to the retreat because Esther was sick. I thought the retreat was going to be a disaster, especially the praise since Chris was our only singer and leader. I went anyway. 

On the second day of retreat, Pastor Doug Easterday talked about Love and how God loves each and everyone of us for who we are. How He is the perfect Father. He made us get up and face someone next to us and look at each others pupils. I didn't really think much of it. I stared into someones eyes and the point the Pastor was trying to make was that you can see yourself. The next thing he pointed out was that I was the apple of God's eyes. Not just me but everyone. He loves me, you, and everybody. 

POW. It just hit me. Couple of weeks ago I thought my prayer didn't work and that I gave a lousy and random image of just a whole bunch of random apples. How wrong i was when i realized that the whole bunch of apples i saw at one place was that retreat, the yg and em members that were there. That's when I knew this retreat was going to mean something significant and that God was revealing himself to me. God truly reveals himself in a way in which you,personally, can understand.

No doubt in my mind that God is real. I went to retreat this past weekend and i thought it was going to be just a regular retreat where we will receive a spiritual high and then go about our lives. As I heard messages and saw people around me break down and cry and I saw God move in that room. That whole time however, I felt happy for everyone but not for myself... I didn't cry and i was earnestly wondering why i wasn't .
I was guarding my heart and was listening with my brain.
Everything i heard made sense and was so logical to me. Someone said to me that tears don't necessarily isn't the only indicator that one was moved. I thought to myself "that made sense" but something was still little off to me and i just swept it under the rug. I learned so many things that retreat, how God is like the father, and my concept of God did indeed change.
Retreat was done and I was driving back down from PA to NY. From that moment i was flooded with guilt. I thought it would be like any other day again just driving with my buddies. But it was so strange because as i was driving i thought God was speaking to me. This is what i heard.. "You better be careful or else." And it was on more than one occasion. In my mind i was like no way.. I'm a sinner, and I sinned already right after leaving retreat. This can't be his voice and I'm just going to ignore my own stupid thoughts.
As i was driving i saw many cops and cars being pulled over.
As i was driving, i figured i would put on the radio and the first words i hear went something like "you are godless right now". The next song i turned to said something about God as well.. "what the.."
As i was driving i felt a heavy load on my chest pressing down on me. It was physically hot and really really uncomfortable right around the area of my heart.
As i was driving there were really sharp turns that i did not think was there. I was going pretty fast and had to brake and turn, even hearing screeches.
At that moment i was like, alright i guess i'll slow down and be more careful. So i didn't rush to get back to church and just stayed in one lane, even though it was pretty slow...
Got to church and then drove back to stony brook that same night. I was confused with myself at that point like why am i feeling this way. I felt so outcasted when i arrived at church. But God still showed He loved me. When i met my parents before going to Stony, they had prepared me, aries, and brian food. Just before going to see them, Aries was saying how hungry she was.
I came back to Stony and went along doing my business. I was filled with guilt and fatigue that whole night. I did my homework and whatnot and then went to sleep. I was laying on my stomach and was thinking about the whole weekend and why I was feeling so down...Then at that moment my back started hurting as if something or someone was stepping down on my spine. It was the very same uncomfortable feeling except wasn't so hot. I figured it is the position i was sleeping in so i tried stretching my own way, as if i was trying to get whoever was stepping on my spine to get off. No matter how long and hard i tried to stretch the pain was still there. At that moment I thought to myself "what if this is my spiritual warfare?" I started to talk to God and ask for forgiveness. To allow me to forgive myself. To remove this burden that was on my chest and on my spine, literally.

What stretching couldn't fix, i felt as if that weight was slowly being lifted from my spine and it started to get more bearable and comfortable. He listened to me, but i was so pooped out that i passed out.
I woke up tired and i sat in front of this computer. I knew the Truth is only from the Word. I opened a webpage to one of those "Bible Verse of the Day" not just one site but a couple. Each one of them was about Love. I even checked the last couple of days verses and they were also about Love. Wow. I came onto Xanga to write my testimony. I literally just wrote the title of this blog and i started to tear. God felt my hurt and I know He loves me. No doubt that God is real and everything happened up to this point for a reason. Now tears are running down my face again.

Part One, TBA.

so blessed and loved.